I confuse myself...

I'm "home" safe and sound... but I have a very unsettled feeling. Perhaps it's because I came home to an empty house, but it could be more. While it "feels good" to be home with everything that's familiar, I'm not at peace because in actuality nothing is familiar. I don't have that sense of belonging I once had; things feel dead here. Moving back home and getting a job would be as though I had been allowed to experience life for a few months but was being forced back into the waiting room... and I'm not sure that's what I'm supposed to do. Why is it that I've been asking God to show me what He wants me to do, and it seems as though He's been silent? Am I just not listening well enough? Or is He being quiet on purpose? And if he is, why?

My only two close friends won't be here past this summer anyway, but what would I be going to in California? I have no promises or guarantees, and hope has disappointed all too often... so what's a girl to do? That's where I want to be in my heart of hearts (I think), but I don't want this to be a repeat of last summer. Isn't "praying big" a good thing? A sign of great faith? So what happens when I do trust God and he disappoints? Nothing seems to be as amazing as I was hoping and praying that it would be...

C.S. Lewis is smart.

"All human beings pass away. Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose. If love is to be a blessing, not a misery, it must be for the only Beloved who will never pass away... There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal... The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Word.