Muse - Absolution

Okay, so I bought this CD... and it's making me crazy! I put it in when I'm driving, and I turn into this wild woman... amazing how music can make me feel a certain way about myself. Especially when song #2 or #3 comes on, I feel powerful, independent, free, fun, confident, focused... heh. Check it out.

So I'm reading "Blue Like Jazz" and I'm on the chapter about romance. And... it sorta freaks me out that I can totally identify with this man about how he sees things. And he talks about a conversation he had with his married friend, Paul... I know, I know... another long quote... but it's what's in my head... His friend said, "Marriage. It isn't fulfilling in the way you think it is... Maybe I should say it isn't what I thought it would be. I thought to be married was to be known. And it is; it is to be known. But [my wife] can only know me so much.

"I'm saying there's stuff I can't tell her, not because I don't want to, but because there aren't words. It's like we are separate people, and there is no getting inside each other to read each other's thoughts, each other's beings. Marriage is amazing because it is the closest two people can get, but they can't get all the way to that place of absolute knowing. Marriage is the most beautiful thing I have ever dreamed of, but it isn't everything. It isn't Mecca... There are places in our lives only God can go."

"So marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be?"

"No, it is so much more that I ever thought it would be. One of the ways God shows me He loves me is through [my wife], and one of the ways God shows [my wife] He loves her is through me. And because she loves me, and teaches me that I am lovable, I can better interact with God."

This is what gets me... "I mean that to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people. That is why God tells us so many times to love each other."

I think I get worried when I see people who have made marriage their Mecca. I'm afraid they'll be really really sad. And I think that I'm afraid of expecting too much from my husband or my marriage. I'm afraid of having to sacrifice things that have always only been mine... my time, my money, my gifts, my heart (sounds pretty selfish, huh?). [See my brother's post on the balance of freedom and protection... pretty interesting www.xanga.com/zachboehm] I guess it's always been a struggle for me to find the balance between "marriage-is-my-Mecca-and-I'm-living-for-that-day" and "I'm-fine-by-myself-and-I-don't-need-anyone." Some days I think I'm doing okay... and some days I'm not quite as well-rounded. Meh. I'm tired of typing. For those of you who are still with me... gold stars, all around. Love.