Paula, you're renewed by trying new things:

Setting off on an adventurous trip, finding a new hobby, or even introducing yourself to the new neighbors — these are the things that help put that spring back in your step. You're more curious than many, and it's the pursuit of new places, sights, sounds, and experiences that revitalizes both you and your perspective on life.

Because of this, things can start to drag when you get trapped in a routine. Exploring — whether in your own back yard or beyond — keeps you feeling fresh. And why shouldn't it? There's always a new city to discover, a new restaurant to try, or a new friend to make, and they all add to the experience you call life. Of course, there might also be times when you're tempted by some of life's more passive pleasures (watching movies, sleeping late). But ultimately, your true replenishment comes from getting involved and plugging into your keen interest in the world around you.
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Hmm... no wonder I don't feel very "refreshed" as of late... I suppose I'm tired of trying new things by myself. Because I think part of the joy of exploring is getting to share what you've found with others.

I was supposed to hang out with a girl last night, and I was so excited because I haven't done anything social for oh... probably 2 or 3 weeks... and yeah, I got stood up. What the heck. I called her, and she was out with friends and said she'd call later, and she didn't. I got really mad. Not at her - things like that happen, I understand - but just mad at the situation... that it happened again. And that again I was left to figure out what to do with my evening. I went to see "Hitch." That was fun... the dance scene at the end made me laugh so much... I'd watch it again just for that.

I led worship tonight at The Journey with Ryan and Jesse. It was SO wonderful to see all those kids. They bring me some happiness.. and they invited me to a show in LA tommorow. So yay. Anyway, we sang a song called "Fountain" (I think...) and it goes like this:

All who are weak, all who are weary... Come to the Rock, come to the Fountain... All who have sailed on the rivers of heartache... Come to the sea, come on be set free... If you lead me, Lord, I'll follow... where you lead me, Lord, I will go... come and heal me, Lord - I'll follow... where you lead me Lord I will go... I will go

And I had to stop singing because I was crying too hard. How embarassing. But I just kept thinking, "That's me! That's where I am now - I feel like I am on those rivers of heartache right now..." And as hard as it was, I wanted to sing with all my heart and tell God that I will follow him wherever he leads me... I felt it, but like I said, I couldn't sing it. Overall a good reminder that anything other than trusting God through all this crap... well, would not only be detrimental to my wellness, but it'd be a waste of time, it'd hurt me and Him... it just wouldn't make sense... so logically I know I need to trust, but at times it's so, so hard.'

Anyway... you've read enough words already... so I'll stop. I love you.

Some random pictures... just for the hell of it....




My nephew, Kyle, on the drums...


My sister Megan's original artwork that she gave to her hubby as a wedding gift...

Muse - Absolution

Okay, so I bought this CD... and it's making me crazy! I put it in when I'm driving, and I turn into this wild woman... amazing how music can make me feel a certain way about myself. Especially when song #2 or #3 comes on, I feel powerful, independent, free, fun, confident, focused... heh. Check it out.

So I'm reading "Blue Like Jazz" and I'm on the chapter about romance. And... it sorta freaks me out that I can totally identify with this man about how he sees things. And he talks about a conversation he had with his married friend, Paul... I know, I know... another long quote... but it's what's in my head... His friend said, "Marriage. It isn't fulfilling in the way you think it is... Maybe I should say it isn't what I thought it would be. I thought to be married was to be known. And it is; it is to be known. But [my wife] can only know me so much.

"I'm saying there's stuff I can't tell her, not because I don't want to, but because there aren't words. It's like we are separate people, and there is no getting inside each other to read each other's thoughts, each other's beings. Marriage is amazing because it is the closest two people can get, but they can't get all the way to that place of absolute knowing. Marriage is the most beautiful thing I have ever dreamed of, but it isn't everything. It isn't Mecca... There are places in our lives only God can go."

"So marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be?"

"No, it is so much more that I ever thought it would be. One of the ways God shows me He loves me is through [my wife], and one of the ways God shows [my wife] He loves her is through me. And because she loves me, and teaches me that I am lovable, I can better interact with God."

This is what gets me... "I mean that to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people. That is why God tells us so many times to love each other."

I think I get worried when I see people who have made marriage their Mecca. I'm afraid they'll be really really sad. And I think that I'm afraid of expecting too much from my husband or my marriage. I'm afraid of having to sacrifice things that have always only been mine... my time, my money, my gifts, my heart (sounds pretty selfish, huh?). [See my brother's post on the balance of freedom and protection... pretty interesting www.xanga.com/zachboehm] I guess it's always been a struggle for me to find the balance between "marriage-is-my-Mecca-and-I'm-living-for-that-day" and "I'm-fine-by-myself-and-I-don't-need-anyone." Some days I think I'm doing okay... and some days I'm not quite as well-rounded. Meh. I'm tired of typing. For those of you who are still with me... gold stars, all around. Love.