I confuse myself...

I'm "home" safe and sound... but I have a very unsettled feeling. Perhaps it's because I came home to an empty house, but it could be more. While it "feels good" to be home with everything that's familiar, I'm not at peace because in actuality nothing is familiar. I don't have that sense of belonging I once had; things feel dead here. Moving back home and getting a job would be as though I had been allowed to experience life for a few months but was being forced back into the waiting room... and I'm not sure that's what I'm supposed to do. Why is it that I've been asking God to show me what He wants me to do, and it seems as though He's been silent? Am I just not listening well enough? Or is He being quiet on purpose? And if he is, why?

My only two close friends won't be here past this summer anyway, but what would I be going to in California? I have no promises or guarantees, and hope has disappointed all too often... so what's a girl to do? That's where I want to be in my heart of hearts (I think), but I don't want this to be a repeat of last summer. Isn't "praying big" a good thing? A sign of great faith? So what happens when I do trust God and he disappoints? Nothing seems to be as amazing as I was hoping and praying that it would be...