Paula, you're renewed by trying new things:

Setting off on an adventurous trip, finding a new hobby, or even introducing yourself to the new neighbors — these are the things that help put that spring back in your step. You're more curious than many, and it's the pursuit of new places, sights, sounds, and experiences that revitalizes both you and your perspective on life.

Because of this, things can start to drag when you get trapped in a routine. Exploring — whether in your own back yard or beyond — keeps you feeling fresh. And why shouldn't it? There's always a new city to discover, a new restaurant to try, or a new friend to make, and they all add to the experience you call life. Of course, there might also be times when you're tempted by some of life's more passive pleasures (watching movies, sleeping late). But ultimately, your true replenishment comes from getting involved and plugging into your keen interest in the world around you.
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Hmm... no wonder I don't feel very "refreshed" as of late... I suppose I'm tired of trying new things by myself. Because I think part of the joy of exploring is getting to share what you've found with others.

I was supposed to hang out with a girl last night, and I was so excited because I haven't done anything social for oh... probably 2 or 3 weeks... and yeah, I got stood up. What the heck. I called her, and she was out with friends and said she'd call later, and she didn't. I got really mad. Not at her - things like that happen, I understand - but just mad at the situation... that it happened again. And that again I was left to figure out what to do with my evening. I went to see "Hitch." That was fun... the dance scene at the end made me laugh so much... I'd watch it again just for that.

I led worship tonight at The Journey with Ryan and Jesse. It was SO wonderful to see all those kids. They bring me some happiness.. and they invited me to a show in LA tommorow. So yay. Anyway, we sang a song called "Fountain" (I think...) and it goes like this:

All who are weak, all who are weary... Come to the Rock, come to the Fountain... All who have sailed on the rivers of heartache... Come to the sea, come on be set free... If you lead me, Lord, I'll follow... where you lead me, Lord, I will go... come and heal me, Lord - I'll follow... where you lead me Lord I will go... I will go

And I had to stop singing because I was crying too hard. How embarassing. But I just kept thinking, "That's me! That's where I am now - I feel like I am on those rivers of heartache right now..." And as hard as it was, I wanted to sing with all my heart and tell God that I will follow him wherever he leads me... I felt it, but like I said, I couldn't sing it. Overall a good reminder that anything other than trusting God through all this crap... well, would not only be detrimental to my wellness, but it'd be a waste of time, it'd hurt me and Him... it just wouldn't make sense... so logically I know I need to trust, but at times it's so, so hard.'

Anyway... you've read enough words already... so I'll stop. I love you.

Some random pictures... just for the hell of it....




My nephew, Kyle, on the drums...


My sister Megan's original artwork that she gave to her hubby as a wedding gift...

Muse - Absolution

Okay, so I bought this CD... and it's making me crazy! I put it in when I'm driving, and I turn into this wild woman... amazing how music can make me feel a certain way about myself. Especially when song #2 or #3 comes on, I feel powerful, independent, free, fun, confident, focused... heh. Check it out.

So I'm reading "Blue Like Jazz" and I'm on the chapter about romance. And... it sorta freaks me out that I can totally identify with this man about how he sees things. And he talks about a conversation he had with his married friend, Paul... I know, I know... another long quote... but it's what's in my head... His friend said, "Marriage. It isn't fulfilling in the way you think it is... Maybe I should say it isn't what I thought it would be. I thought to be married was to be known. And it is; it is to be known. But [my wife] can only know me so much.

"I'm saying there's stuff I can't tell her, not because I don't want to, but because there aren't words. It's like we are separate people, and there is no getting inside each other to read each other's thoughts, each other's beings. Marriage is amazing because it is the closest two people can get, but they can't get all the way to that place of absolute knowing. Marriage is the most beautiful thing I have ever dreamed of, but it isn't everything. It isn't Mecca... There are places in our lives only God can go."

"So marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be?"

"No, it is so much more that I ever thought it would be. One of the ways God shows me He loves me is through [my wife], and one of the ways God shows [my wife] He loves her is through me. And because she loves me, and teaches me that I am lovable, I can better interact with God."

This is what gets me... "I mean that to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people. That is why God tells us so many times to love each other."

I think I get worried when I see people who have made marriage their Mecca. I'm afraid they'll be really really sad. And I think that I'm afraid of expecting too much from my husband or my marriage. I'm afraid of having to sacrifice things that have always only been mine... my time, my money, my gifts, my heart (sounds pretty selfish, huh?). [See my brother's post on the balance of freedom and protection... pretty interesting www.xanga.com/zachboehm] I guess it's always been a struggle for me to find the balance between "marriage-is-my-Mecca-and-I'm-living-for-that-day" and "I'm-fine-by-myself-and-I-don't-need-anyone." Some days I think I'm doing okay... and some days I'm not quite as well-rounded. Meh. I'm tired of typing. For those of you who are still with me... gold stars, all around. Love.

Mmm... the past few nights I've enjoyed coming home from work and watching the sunset from my balcony. The sky is so beautiful... not to mention that I can see the ocean and all of Catalina Island from up there. Don't be jealous. That's a sin.

So I'm buying my roomate's car. That's cool. I might be singing at Ponderosa Pines again this summer, which is even cooler. And I start my new job at the pottery place Friday! And tonight for dinner I think I'm going to make cheese tortellini soup... I love simplicity. And Leroy's roomates.

Damien Rice - O

Words... are so powerful, aren't they? Words that describe things, words that injure... lies, or painful truths... or compliments... it amazes me how things we say so strongly and visibly affect those around us...

I'm reading a good book. Well, not that the book is anything special; it's good, but it in and of itself is not changing me. But do you ever have those moments, when you're reading... and you finally get something? I had that today... I know it's long, but I have to share it with you because it changed me...

"In the Christian community thankfulness is just what it is anywhere else in the Christian life. Only he who gives thanks for little things receives the big things. We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts He has in store for us, because we do not give thanks for daily gifts. We think we dare not be satisfied with the small measure of spiritual knowledge, experience, and love that has been given to us, and that we must constantly be looking forward eagerly for the highest good. Then we deplore the fact that we lack the deep certainty, the strong faith, and the rich experience that God has given to others, and we consider this lament to be pious. We pray for the big things and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, small (and yet really not small) gifts. How can God entrust great things to one who will not thankfully receive from Him the little things? If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even where there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; if on the contrary, we only keep complaining to God that everything is so paltry and petty, so far from what we expected, then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ."

And my thoughts... on scrap paper... in Starbucks... "How can one small paragraph change my entire outlook on life? It's a concept that I acknowleged some time back, but I think it's just now making sense. When I long for more, when I wish that things were better, in actuality I'm wasting what I have now... I'm spitting on it. I'm saying it's not good enough for me - that I deserve more, or better. And it's not true. Nothing can be better than what has come from the hand of my Father. Nothing. The 'now' that I have is a gift.

"And I know it all breaks down - one can become complacent, too content if you will... and that can destroy just as easily... are we all looking for that balance?

"Oh, the realization that I'm the cause of my own pain! And I can't help but to wonder if all this was because of my stupidity... or was is a necessary leg of my journey?"

Thoughts?

Thanks for the reading tips... I got impatient and went out last night and bought 2 books: Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community by Bonhoeffer and one called Enjoying God by I don't know who... good stuff so far. Here's some morsels:

"A Christian comes to others only through Jesus Christ. Among men there is strife. 'He is our peace,' says Paul of Jesus Christ (Eph.2:14). Without Christ there is discord between God and man and between man and man (or woman and woman)."

"It is true, of course, that what is an unspeakable gift of God for the lonely individual is easily disregarded and trodden under foot by those who have the gift every day. It is easily forgotten that the fellowship of Christian brethren is a gift of grace, a gift of the Kingdom of God that any day may be taken from us, that the time that still separates us from utter loneliness may be brief indeed. Therefore, let him who until now has had the privilege of living a common Christian life with other Christians praise God's grace from the bottom of his heart. Let him thank God on his knees and declare: It is grace, nothing but grace, that we are allowed to live in comunity with Christian brethren."

Apparently, very few of my friends are literate, so don't worry you two - I will be taking your suggestions as well!

I found out that I start at the pottery place the 21st... that is, if I pass the drug test. How long does it take for stuff to get worked out of my system?? I found out that my manager at the coffee shop, my good friend Scott, is quitting and moving to Palm Springs to get a "grown-up job". But, that does mean his position will be open next month, and I'm the only one in the wings!! Horray for a raise.

Hmm... not much else happenin'... still waiting for that free car, God! Love you guys...

Pinback

Crazy times... change is dang good people! I'm here at my house... listening to the always-growing drama... and I just want to scream "Let it go!!" The church, and it's various ministries, are living organisms that need room to change and grow. But there also comes a time when things die. And that's okay. Let it die. Mourn the loss, but move on.

Sorry if that didn't make any sense, but that's what has surrounded me this afternoon.

Do you ever stay in bed extra long just because you love your dream? I did that this morning... and I'll just fill you in on the highlights (Cara, if you know what these mean, go ahead and take a stab!): ballroom dancing all over my front yard with a man I have only admired from afar and never spoken to, and it was wonderful... my grandpa Boehm, sitting at our table, laughing and talking and telling jokes better than he ever did when I knew him... gushing with my mom about this mystery man who had waltzed into our lives and my family's hearts... watching my grandma Boehm be just as spunky as Ev, my crazy other grandma (that's a sight)...

Ahh... good times, that sleeping thing is... I don't have to work today or Thursday. I think I might try to find a good book - any suggestions? Love to you all...